This weekend!

Why am I the way I am?

WHY?

1. Why do I get so touchy about little things in life? So what if he dint want me to come and join his party (incidentally at my place. The apartment which I soon need to vacate as I have been transferred to another location). Yah so what. Just because you want him to be part of your life, your friends, your colleagues...does not mean that he also thinks the same way. Conversation- Me: Are you sure you will be able to manage with so much to do, so many ppl that you are inviting? you have never organized a party before. Do you want me to come and help you out? He: No, not required. I will manage.
2. Why cant I understand that timelines are meant for only me? He: So you are going for this alumni party? Lemme know when you are gonna be back. You are awful with your timelines. There hasn't been a single time when you have come back on the time that you have committed. Me: What do you mean? How many parties do I go to in the first place? And besides you dont have a locus-standi to tell me that since you yourself can never maintain timelines. Result: We argued. I asked him to leave as I have to get ready to go to the party. I changed my plan. Sat at home, and sulked without letting him know. And I dint eat either....(I was ravenous the next morning).
3. Why do I crib about not being able to drive under state of 'alleged intoxication'? Oh come on now, I can't be trusted to drive with 60 ml of gin in my belly. And anything beyond 11 pm is a strict no-no. But, its fine with him. I mean 150 ml plus 2o'clock at night.

You know what. Somebody has rightly said- the more you try to chase happiness, the more it runs away from you. I know he loves me a lot but still it hurts so much when he says that he will call, but he doesn't, and I keep waiting (for hours sometime). I feel so miserable about myself that while waiting for his call, I am unable to do anything else but sulk. There are hundred other things that I can do to occupy myself but I wont do that. This is the same thing which used to happen with me many years ago, and I completely fucked my studies when I was supposed to put my best. Later, I promised myself that I will never let anyone else affect me this way ever again. But here I am---and you know its not about him or anyone else. Its about me. Why do everything else takes a back seat when my mind is fixated on that phone call or on that conversation or the lack of it.

You know I am such a jerk.