This weekend!

Why am I the way I am?

WHY?

1. Why do I get so touchy about little things in life? So what if he dint want me to come and join his party (incidentally at my place. The apartment which I soon need to vacate as I have been transferred to another location). Yah so what. Just because you want him to be part of your life, your friends, your colleagues...does not mean that he also thinks the same way. Conversation- Me: Are you sure you will be able to manage with so much to do, so many ppl that you are inviting? you have never organized a party before. Do you want me to come and help you out? He: No, not required. I will manage.
2. Why cant I understand that timelines are meant for only me? He: So you are going for this alumni party? Lemme know when you are gonna be back. You are awful with your timelines. There hasn't been a single time when you have come back on the time that you have committed. Me: What do you mean? How many parties do I go to in the first place? And besides you dont have a locus-standi to tell me that since you yourself can never maintain timelines. Result: We argued. I asked him to leave as I have to get ready to go to the party. I changed my plan. Sat at home, and sulked without letting him know. And I dint eat either....(I was ravenous the next morning).
3. Why do I crib about not being able to drive under state of 'alleged intoxication'? Oh come on now, I can't be trusted to drive with 60 ml of gin in my belly. And anything beyond 11 pm is a strict no-no. But, its fine with him. I mean 150 ml plus 2o'clock at night.

You know what. Somebody has rightly said- the more you try to chase happiness, the more it runs away from you. I know he loves me a lot but still it hurts so much when he says that he will call, but he doesn't, and I keep waiting (for hours sometime). I feel so miserable about myself that while waiting for his call, I am unable to do anything else but sulk. There are hundred other things that I can do to occupy myself but I wont do that. This is the same thing which used to happen with me many years ago, and I completely fucked my studies when I was supposed to put my best. Later, I promised myself that I will never let anyone else affect me this way ever again. But here I am---and you know its not about him or anyone else. Its about me. Why do everything else takes a back seat when my mind is fixated on that phone call or on that conversation or the lack of it.

You know I am such a jerk.

I had a great day today!

I had a great day today and the reasons are as follows-

1. I was experiencing a sense of loss after coming to this place, and not being gainfully occupied (well, I mean in real true sense). I needed to know more about a particular department/ work which will assist me in doing my own job better. And let me clarify it that it is not one of those 'nice to know things'----it is supposed to be my bread and butter business. So, anyway, I wrote a mail to this bog shot asking for a time to meet with him so that he can help me out. I dint think that he will reply---oh I was having a tough time getting to see people who are far less important and accomplished. But to my surprise, this guy replied in a matter of 5 minutes, and I was asked to come and see him. Sigh....what a relief! Went and met him and few other ppl. Man, I am in for some really exciting times professionally. I am supposed to be meeting few people tomorrow who I will be assisting and be assisted by in some of challenging assignments, which are important for our organization. So tomorrow onwards no more sad things. I am gonna have funnnn!
2. In a long time now, today was the time when I was at peace with myself. There is something which has disturbed me in past few months, and I was not able to overcome it despite my best conscious logical attempts. Today I started my day by telling myself that I am not gonna give a damn about it. And there was a strange thing which came to my mind. I just thought 'I would have done hundred times better if I would have such intense expectations from myself and not others'. I mean what was I trying to do---at best I was just making a fool of myself. I hope I have left that stuff behind! No I HAVE left that stuff behind. Period.
3. I have recently been introduced to Western Classic music. Have heard some stuff by Mozart...then Four Seasons...and have got some more to listen to now. I also got introduced to Jethro Tull and I really like their music.
4. I was reminded of an old lady who I use to meet during Sunday afternoons in Johannesburg on my way to local flea market. She was a lovely lady. She had cancer. And she was happy to see me and receive something from me.
5. I read some good stuff on an another blog and it gave me some persepective on creating a personal brand.

More later.

Seeya

Hi!

Why am I creating this blog?

Is it because I have too much to say or is it because I have nothing? or is it because just like my old diary, I would like to revisit this page sometime later in my life, and wonder what make me write that. Its been a long time since I have penned down something in my old diary. That diary. He gifted me this one long time back, and wrote on the cover page that someday he will see the sunrise with me, and we will read it together. Yes, someday, we will!

But thats not the only reason why I am starting this blog. I think deep down I am losing touch with myself. I am not evolving as a person. I am not learning new things. I am not experiencing anything which sets my mind on fire. I am gradually reducing to a mass who is devoid of thinking and feeling both. And thats not what I want.

Someone has told me that writing/ blogging has therapeutic effect, and it let your mind cure itself. Perhaps thats the reason why I am starting to blog more seriously now. I need to overcome the lethargy that has set in, well, in last two years. There was a time when my life was oscillating between two seemingly conflicting zones and I use to crave for some stability in my life. It came, but unsettling something else so important in my life that I am still struggling with the aftermath.

Time to bury the hatchet, and move on.

Its time to rock once again. To do something exciting. Something which is real fun. Something which brings that sense of achievement back. And what better place to do it than this little town. And what better time to do it than this when I am on my own 24 X 7. Well, almost.

Let's put it this way. This blog is part of my quest to find my true self. And to connect with few more restless creatures out there.

Don't get comfortably numb, get uncomfortably charged up!